#i say this a lot but idc
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A Rant on Friendships.
You know… ever since I learned that being ignored or ostracized caused the same amount of pain in the brain as physical pain, it all clicked. I was never too emotional or overreacting to getting left behind by people I would’ve done everything for. I was grieving a loss. I was grieving having love exploding inside of me with no release.
As someone who prioritizes conflict resolution, I can’t fathom a life where extreme avoidance is the default. While I go through periods of isolation, I go out of my way to affirm everyone and make them feel safe. I can’t possibly understand doing otherwise. Maybe, it’s not something for me to understand.
If it was a romantic partner treating them this way, they’d throw a fit. Love them one day, hate them the next. And that’s the problem… we have normalized that behavior and called it a boundary. That’s not the definition of setting a boundary. Stonewalling is literally emotional abuse. A boundary involves reciprocal behavior, not punishment.
There’s such a selfish, lackadaisical approach everyone has with each other in friendships. These types of people are the first to complain about lacking friends, but don’t want to do the work to upkeep them.
Because I go through hell in my life by being disabled, I find it to be no excuse at this point. I find some way to stay afloat for everyone else, even when I’m drowning. I say these friendship sentiments often, but it’s getting to the point to where I don’t even want to try anymore. I am tired. I’m done overextending myself or waiting for things to change or for someone to recognize my story and just…be present.
The horrors are immeasurable, but we must endure. Therapy has taught me to prioritize vulnerability… so when I display that, and don’t get it back, I’ve learned to just understand I can’t have someone like that in my space. In my healing process, it’s become apparent that I have to see actions for what they are. I can’t control everything. I have to value myself even when someone else devalues me. It’s not personal, it’s misdirection… it’s projection.
When someone is blinded by their own cynicism and insecurities, it’s easy to maintain bias and mindset fallacies. It's easy to be committed to a narrative that doesn't exist. It's easy to perceive what you want to. But like I always say, perception is truly not reality. Knowing that is the only way to tear down your ego enough to navigate friendships and relationships when it comes to conflict resolution.
Recognizing patterns is a huge key to self development and growth, not just creating a self care routine or wearing a face mask or making a Pinterest board. Accountability is the step to mindfulness. Wisdom comes in admitting you don’t know what you don’t know.
And that requires a skill set that so many people are unwilling to have and refine. Admitting you’re the problem means facing yourself. People would rather turn their back than look in the mirror.
I do not wish to entertain dynamics where I don’t feel the love, where I feel like I’m taking up too much space, where I have to chase someone to even get half of what I’d give them.
Some people don’t have the capacity to be what I need them to be, and I have to learn to be okay with that. And even still, I have the upmost respect and deep love anyway.
I can vouch for my own character. I don’t need anyone to validate it for me. If someone wants to go choose rocks when they have a Diamond in front of them, then so be it. That’s their L to take. Not mine.
All love. Grateful for what is in alignment.
#i say this a lot but idc#thoughts#mental health#actually chronically ill#chronic illness#actually adhd#adhd#disability
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Happy 1 year anniversary to Mr Sherlock Holmes! Here's a litttleee celebratory comic from me
#sherlock & co#sherlock and co#writing these tags on the 29th of september#which is when john and sherlock ACTUALLY met <3#so there you go#uh once again shout out to candy for letting me talk through some of my processes#it helps immensely and i really wanted to be sure i was getting across what i wanted to with this one#speaking of which - usually i yap a lot in the tags of these bcus i love talking about art#for this one...im not sure i want to comment too much#because i'll be here forever and i think most things can speak for themself#but let me say this one thing#for the first five pages i was drawing john on paper and sherlock on the computer exclusively#and then bringing them together..#uh it really made me think of paul and harry. recording on opposite sides of the world. brought together by the power of editing#its not a particularly emotional scene but i hope ive infused it with. something.#anyway thats it from me#if u want to ask about any particular aspect i would love to yap about the process but i'll just leave it here for now or i'll never shut u#happy 1 year podpals#patsart#oh yeah i will say i did have to take quite a bit of liberty with the audio in order to do what i wanted. forgive me#or dont idc
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seven days a week; jungkook's birthday countdown ↳ tue: a concert close to my heart
#jungkook#jungkookedit#jeon jungkook#jeongguk#bts#btsedit#btsgif#gif#sevenjk*#maknaelinegifs#userkelli#usersky#annietrack#userdimple#raplineuser#rjshope#tuserandi#useremmeline#usermaggie#underbetelgeuse#dailybts#mint koo#shout out to my husband that actually helped me a lot with this one#asked him “babe what concert would you say it's my fave?” and he said: if it is not the green hair one i would guess any japanese one#so yeah he was so right askdaksldçsa#he more than anyone knows how this concert is special to me and in many ways...#and of course...#MINT KOO!!!!!!!!#i take this haircolor/hairstyle as personal attack idc#i will fight him
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i think about them a lot...:') [cr. 0613data]
#will deffo make a pt2 about this soon#bts#rékagif#btsgif#dailybts#btsedit#yoonjin#bts yoonjin#yoongi#seokjin#kim seokjin#min yoongi#bts yoongi#bts seokjin#they are best friends idc what u say#i cried a lot - i will make a set inspired by that fic i read watch me
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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sebastian vettel: yeah, i'm sure you would have waved me past as well.
#'i didn't dare overtake you' im sick to my stomach. seb was on his tail the whole race urging him to drive faster#so nobody will be able to take nico's victory from him. nobody will be able to say that nico didn't deserve it#what if i said that friendships formed under the same coloured flag and to the sound of the same anthem are the sweetest#despite being younger than him i think at one point seb really did see a lot of himself in nico#the way he defended his championship until the end... sebastian vettel you will always be famous#i've had this one on my mind for a while the execution isnt that great and it's rushed but it needed to be out there idc if it gets 2 notes#sebastian vettel#nico rosberg#sico#f1#formula 1#formula one#formula racing#f1 web weaving#web weaving#web weave#true blue#boygenius
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bro I’m sick bc ace dying in his arms was luffy’s biggest nightmare but dying in the arms of the person that he loved most / loved him most was probably the kindest Fate (under the circumstances) that he could have been given. luffy, the person he sacrificed himself for and would again and again and again and a million times over if he’d been given the chance bc there was no world he wanted to live in without his little brother alive and breathing, there with him at the end.
#I hate when ppl say that he died for nothing. in vain. that all those lives were wasted trying to save him#BRO. you DONT get it. it’s supposed to feel sickening#not everything gets a happy ending. sometimes people die for no reason. or they die protecting something they can’t save#but did save luffy in more ways than one. at marineford (idc what anyone says they never would have outrun akainu) and by being the push for#strong enough to protect his friends and strong enough to follow the dream ace would never see him achieve#in the hypothetical that ace survived and luffy didn’t. ace would never have lasted more than a few weeks. days.#or he would have survived just long enough to burn the whole world down#because luffy loving him was the reason he could love himself just enough to keep going.#and even tho he loved whitebeard and his crew there was nothing left for him in a world that didn’t have his brother in it#alas#ooopsie lots of tags !#portgas d ace#luffy#one piece
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the way that they have been through everything together and have the deepest connection two people can have, and yet they're still all flustered and sweet with each other. my heart
rayla's face. i. H E R. she is so goddamn excited i'm so happy for her
her watching him take her arm 😭 im gonna throw up. she doesn't even know what's coming
callum's face. i. H I M. he is so goddamn lovesick i can't deal
i can't believe he invented being in love
this is the face of a guy with Plans
if someone looked at me like this i would kiss them in half a heartbeat. clearly i'm not alone in this. at last she listens to me
the Stride
her starstruck little face. again the way she genuinely wasn't expecting anything and he could not have been more ready asdfasdf
i would describe the intricacies of how their lips part with accompanying frame-by-frame screenshots and how obsessed i am with it, but i think i'm already on some sort of watch list so i maybe just won't
his fucking sigh no one talk to me
HER GIGGLE. HER GIGGLE NO ONE. FUCKING. TALK TO ME. she is so ecstatic and relieved and he is so happy that she is so happy and i can't believe they invented love
oh this. when she's saying her ily and, so far, he's just been all cool and sure and bedroom eyes-y, and his eyes widen ever so slightly (ik i swear trust me) and then his eyebrows get that little upturn and despite everything, her telling him that she loves him (which she has already made rather clear) still gets to him.
HTHEY 😭 his arms tightening around her IDENTICALLY to their ambler kiss. his fuckin wide ass stance and her little legs together and she is just being absorbed by him like the marshmallow lady from scary stories to tell in the dark. but in a cute way. also who do i need to pay to just tell me where her hand is because there is not a single frame where you can see it and the curiosity is killing me
everything about this scene gives "couple that acts like every moment together is both their very first and their very last." they transcend time itself i am so serious
#yeah this is a new level of incoherency#which says a lot for me#idc i just love them#rayllum#callum#tdp callum#rayla#tdp rayla#tdp spoilers#tdp s6#tdp#the dragon prince#continuethesaga#giveusthesaga#moment of truth
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Saw the sketch for this and the only version I found of it finished was like 2 pixels so I decided to finish it myself.
Some process photos below the cut ✨ (including just the line art if you wanna color it yourself)
If you wanna color the line art digitally, if you are able to, just set the image to multiply and make sure the color layers are below the line art layer <3 if you have questions feel free to ask in replies
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Did I do a good job making it look official hehe I really tried
#i would have done a version where i colored it in my coloring style but i just really wanted to make it look like official cos art lol#so all the colors are colorpicked from the movie except the shading for the final version was a dark desaturated red on multiply#the last progress image is using the shading colors they use in the movie#ik the shading isnt different enough for me to have gone through all that trouble but idc lmao#i might make a version where i color it in my coloring style so ill post it if I do#sorry for rambling in the tags i always have a lot to say lol#fma#fullmetal alchemist#fullmetal#edward elric#fma edward#digital art#conqueror of shamballa#fma cos#fma conqueror of shamballa#cos#fma 03#fullmetal alchemist 03#fma 2003#fma fanart#fullmetal alchemist fanart#procreate#my art
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was gonna post something else but i had an. idea. a horrible idea. and unfortunately needed to make it. real
#cassette beasts#i am not putting this in my art tag.#idc if the meme is considered dead or not i've been plagued by this movie for a year now and i'm making it everyone else's problem#that movie is so bad. it's so fucking bad. me and the rest of my friend group are fucking haunted by that damn movie#(<- there are likely plans to watch it again this year)#i'm so sorry to kayleigh felix and viola in particular this is the first time i've drawn them . in the fucking 8 crazy nights shitpost#i'm sure i could've made it funnier but i whipped this up in a frenzy at like. 12-6 am. and this was enough to make me lose it. so#i think i hate this image a lot i really do (said affectionately. ish)#i was gonna say 'idk if someone else made a version w cassette beasts already' but if someone did i'm concerned for them . /lh
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This sat in my drafts for a while now, but here's my own designs for teenage Zim and Dib!
#invader zim#teenage dib#teenage zim#invader zim fanart#invader zim art#invader zim dib#iz dib#iz dib membrane#iz zim#iz zadf#zadf#invader zim zadf#took a lot of inspo from dibs wonderful life of doom#cause idc what anyone says i love all his aged up designs in that episode#even though they may or may not be canon...#actually fuck it in my eyes those designs are canon#koi posting
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The year is 2038 and we're still suffering bisexual erasure.
#detroit become human#north wr400#simon pl600#i almost had a third part with her ruffling his hair and calling him a loser but im too tired and also#i hate to say it cause it hurts to type but ... its almost bedtime#ouch its not even 6pm but i gotta try getting to bed by 6:30 lmao#anyway i think sure there are lots of headcanons on sexuality for em but like cmon ... they're just so poly coded to me personally#like i do draw them together a lot but they belong with jerichooooo in their heeeaarrtttssss#and you cant convince me north is straight idc if there isnt another woman in the jericrew but she is NOT straight to me#she can like boys as a treat but she isnt solely into guys#again this is just me and my thoughts and you dont have to agree but like... you cant convince me either is straight#and she is just sitting in his lap super content shes like a lap cat#aka once she's done and wants no more she punches his arm and gets up to leave
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one of my resolutions is to post more stuff this year, we'll see how good i'll be at that! here's a mock-up band poster thing i made for a comic idea, which has very little bearing on anything in the story whatsoever, and which i made instead of actually working on ironing out the story like i'm supposed to be doing
#my art#illustration#furry#anthro#prolkans#(species name. another resolution is to hammer down the designs for these guys)#i have a lot of resolutions this year which inevitably means i'll get overwhelmed and give up on all of them before february#everything i'm saying sounds so negative for no reason hahaha. i promise i'm just being blithe and silly idc that much#though i really do want to get back to posting art more often but i psyche myself out from posting things SO much#having a lot of followers nowadays is very flattering but it's so much pressure. or rather i put pressure on myself#for no good reason. i think people will hunt me down with sharp objects if i post bad art.#very annoying mindset. i will shake it on god#anyway i'm doing good i'm doing fine. just saw nosferatu. the ween allegations were highly exaggerated but that's fine
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really love how throughout a lot of smith and jones martha is really skeptical and apprehensive towards ten (+ one of my favorite exchanges between them - "what, people call you 'the doctor'?" "yeah?" "well, i'm not. far as i'm concerned, you've got to earn that title."), not taking everything he says at face value, even doubting the fact he's an alien until over halfway through the episode.. And like. i really truly think the thing that wins her over isn't him kissing her or any of the other insane mixed messages he manages to send, it's this scene here, where he /earns that title/ in her eyes:
(+ david's bit in the commentary, where he says: "[the doctor] has actually sacrificed himself, and - i would say, that that final act of selflessness is what finally, eventually, welds martha to him. [...] and she now returns it. she returns that act of selflessness.")
this is what their relationship is built on. it isn't about martha being the second-best replacement to rose or a rebound or whatever. bc it isn't really about rose. it's about doctor-in-training martha meeting someone (quite literally, "the doctor") whose ideals she aspires to, and doing her best to be the same person to him as he is to everyone else. it's about ten in return admiring her intelligence and inquisitiveness and how she cares for human life, recovering his compassion, letting himself lean on her for support - and then remembering at the most inopportune moments that he's supposed to not need anyone and be on his own forever. And around in their little nightmare loop they go where they save each other over and over until one of them breaks
i've seen ppl look at martha and go "why she does she admire/why is she so in love with ten if he acts like that to her?" or something along those lines and like. it's not just the fact she's in love with him (in fact i'd argue she actively tries to push it aside post-gridlock). it's the fact that she knows he's the kind of person to put everyone else's lives/well-being over his own. she trusts him to save her when she's in trouble even though it's been like two days at most that they've known one another bc she recognizes that same "deep all-encompassing drive to help others" in him. and she also recognizes, much much earlier than him, that he needs someone to save him, especially when he's unwilling to save himself. and yeah for a bit she thinks he returns her feelings and is just playing hard-to-get, but she realizes pretty early on that this probably isn't the case, and i think that realization fully solidifies here:
(this is when she's listening to ten talk abt gallifrey). And idk it might just be me but i think this expression isn't just her empathizing with his loss. it's also guilt, for wanting something from him that he's clearly unable to give when he's wracked with so much grief. (and you see it in the next episode, where tallulah asks if they're together and martha says for certain that they're not, and that he doesn't know about her feelings for him. she keeps everything to herself bc she now knows that when he shut her flirting down at the end of 3x01 it was the genuine reaction of someone who a) isn't interested and b) is scared of getting close with someone else again)
freema described their dynamic as "she's keener than him" and i think about this all the time. martha doesn't really take what ten throws at her. what she does instead is constantly poke holes in his already-failing front of "i will show someone the wonders of the universe so i can ignore what is wrong with me". what she does is stand up and fight him when he tries to go off on his own. what she does is put aside her well-being in favor of helping someone - just like what she saw him do for the people in the hospital when they first met. tldr, that's the doctor and his doctor and rip martha you would've loved who's gonna save u now by rina sawayama
#THIS ISNT ABOUT ROSE WE CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT WHITE GIRL FOR 1 SECOND. IDC#ALL SHE DOES W REGARDS TO MARTHA IS REMIND HER THAT TEN ISNT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE W HER.#ALL SHE DOES W REGARDS TO TEN IS REMIND HIM THAT EVERY TIME HE LOVES SOMEONE HES FATED TO LOSE THEM. WE CAN IGNORE HER PAST THIS. GBLESS#martha jones#tenth doctor#dr who#ten and martha#'theyre like a rebound' shooting you with my laser eyes sorry. martha says it when she still thinks he's taking her on dates#if he hadn't opened up about gallifrey she would've been totally fine w him taking her back home#and meanwhile ten is very unaware of any kind of romantic element until like the fuckinn. last possible moment lmfao#they are doctor and mentally unstable bus driver. Or perhaps grieving man (genderneutral) and their One (1) friend that has to support them#um idk what this post is. i wanted to pick apart martha's brain for a hot second.#edit:#it's not like 5 am and i'm reading these tags and they're a lot more mean than i meant to put them down as#Not changing them bc i already wrote so much it's out there in the world already sorry. just imagine i'm saying this all nicely#10 era
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i'm used to the "hal cannot be anything other than 13 and there is no room for nuance on this matter" argument but the other two statements are so confusing to me. what
#honestly if you see him as an eternally 13 year old character idc that's your own interpretation. do what you want forever#but i think it's a stretch to say he's ABSOLUTELY thirteen...#if anything he develops beyond the personality of dirk at 13 and becomes a distinct person in comparison#is growing changing and learning not indicative of aging?#dirk even says ''In the years since we've both evolved somewhat''#he does then say that there's a maturity gap which you could take at face value#but imo he has a lot of motive to paint hal as an immature version of him to distance his actions from his own#dirk is NOT unbiased so i personally don't believe him when he says this#do i think this makes hal 16? i'm not so sure because he IS still an AI and nobody can say how one would age#but i don't think he's trapped as a 13 year old forever like a lot of people seem to think
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